


Tall Tales

by Laora



Category: Van Helsing (2004)
Genre: Gen, just silliness, ooooooold story cross-posted from FFN
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-12-25
Updated: 2006-12-25
Packaged: 2020-12-16 13:43:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21037169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laora/pseuds/Laora
Summary: At long last, Van Helsing and Carl return to the Vatican.





	Tall Tales

Van Helsing and Carl, at long last, returned to the Vatican and the Order sometime in the middle of the night. Immediately, the cardinal was in front of them, very awake.

“So? Is Dracula dead?”

“Thanks for that great ‘welcome back’,” Van Helsing said, raising his eyebrows.

“Is he?”

“Yes.”

“And are the Valeriouses alive?”

“No,” Carl said after a moment of pause.

“What do you mean they’re not alive?!” the cardinal said, astounded. “They’re dead?”

“Usually that’s what ‘not alive’ means, yes,” Van Helsing snapped.

“You two have a  _ lot  _ of explaining to do,” the cardinal said harshly, “Tell me what happened from the moment you left the Vatican, to the moment you arrived back. And don’t leave  _ anything  _ out.”

Van Helsing turned to Carl, who raised his eyebrows. “That tale is only for the person with a few hours to spare.”

What do you mean? Not  _ that  _ much could have happened!”

Van Helsing raised his eyebrows again. “You’d be surprised,” he said darkly.

“All right, give me the abbreviated version then!”

“We left, a bunch of stuff happened, and we came back.”

The cardinal scowled at Carl. “A little more detailed, if you please.”

“All right—we left, arrived in Transylvania, killed a vampire, went to Anna’s place, almost killed a werewolf, went looking for Velkan, got attacked by a werewolf, met Frankenstein’s monster, killed another vampire, got attacked by a werewolf again, then Velkan died, Anna got kidnapped, we saved her, Carl killed a bunch of vampires,” here Carl seemed to inflate with pride, “Frankenstein’s monster got captured by Dracula, we found Dracula’s lair, I saved Frankenstein’s monster while Carl and Anna went to find the cure of the werewolf, Anna killed a vampire, I killed Dracula, Anna died, we cremated her by the sea, and then came back here. Any questions?”

The cardinal seemed dazed. “Why were you looking for the werewolf cure?” he directed at Carl. He was about to answer when Van Helsing sent him a warning look.

“V—I can’t tell you.”

More raised eyebrows. “Why not?”

“It’s not important,” Van Helsing said dismissively.

“How did the Valeriouses die?”

“Velkan was shot, and Anna was tackled by a werewolf.”

The cardinal’s eyes narrowed. “Who was the werewolf.”

Carl and Van Helsing exchanged uneasy glances. “We don’t know,” Carl said at the same time as Van Helsing said, “Does it really matter?”

“Aha!” the cardinal said triumphantly. “You’re lying! You do know who the werewolf was, but you’re unwilling to tell me!”

“Ok, suppose we  _ did  _ know who the werewolf was,” Van Helsing said, “You wouldn’t want to know.”

“Oh, I  _ wouldn’t _ ?” the cardinal said suspiciously, “Was it killed?”

Carl flinched slightly and glanced at Van Helsing again, who replied smoothly, “No, but justice was served.”

“All right,” the cardinal said, backing down a bit, “But you still have much to explain. Carl reported back, and we told him that the monster had to be killed. Was it?”

“It won’t bother anyone anymore.”

Carl was surprised at how smoothly Van Helsing evaded the questions, and how readily the Cardinal took his answers. He should have known that it was too good to be true…

“Carl!” he jumped slightly, and looked at the cardinal, “I’ll ask again, why were you looking for the cure of the curse of the werewolf?”

“I’ll tell you again, it doesn’t matter,” he lied.

He raised his eyebrows, “But you had to have been trying to cure someone, who was it?”

Before Carl had a chance to answer, Van Helsing unexpectedly said, “Me.”

The cardinal stared at them before bursting out laughing. “You have had too much to drink! Next, you’ll tell me that you were the one who shot Velkan and killed Anna!”

“Er…”

“No, I’m telling you, go get some sleep! We’ll call the mission a success and leave it at that.”

Van Helsing nodded slowly, raising his eyebrows at Carl, and they slowly went down into the Order’s hideout. Everyone began questioning them about their mission, and it took half an hour just to get to the living quarters.

“Home sweet home,” Van Helsing said, flopping down on his bed. “I’m not going on another mission for a while, no matter what that bloody cardinal says!”

Carl nodded in agreement before bidding Van Helsing good night and setting off to his own room.

The next morning, a pageboy knocked nervously on the door. “Come in, come in,” Van Helsing said impatiently. 

The boy walked in, looking terrified. “You’re Van Helsing?”

“Yes I am,” he answered, raising his eyebrows. “What is it?”

“The cardinal needs to talk to you about a mission he wants you to complete…”


End file.
